Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁