My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
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People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.