My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)