Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

My humor is broken

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Meow?

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.