My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick