My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.