My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
You Might Also Like
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
☠️
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
August 8
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.