Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

I only treason on days ending in y

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.