My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones