My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.