My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.