My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
You Might Also Like
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies