Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.