My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one