My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
🤣😈🤣
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.