My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED