Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

A customer told me they were never coming back….

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me