Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

12. I think about this all the damn time

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?