My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The little toadstool has spoken.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.