My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
