My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
sign of the times 🖊
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
