My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his motherās death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checksā
āSS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
āHubs says: ā¦.Noā¦ Iām alive.
š¬
Just got another idiot, who now thinks heās good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I donāt know the last time I was this happy.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I canāt hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesnāt
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Birdwatcher? Iām more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ā07.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
ā bear traps will keep emā there
āMooooooooā
ā bilingual donkey
The Victoriaās Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. Iām not avoiding work. Iām literally getting shit done.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
āWait a minute. Iām named after beer?!!?ā
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3ā¦
6: youāll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] whatās auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] cāmere baby
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said āApril fools! I pranked you!ā
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he livedā¦
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: āplease donāt be overbookedā
guy: [pulls gun] āthis plane is now under my controlā
me: āoh thank godā
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didnāt text u back babe I was grounded.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen š āØ
Good morning
Itās cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Spelling bees. Why arenāt other competitions called ābeesā? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
