My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Every work meeting this week
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was