My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.