My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.


I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.


Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.


Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.


[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM


There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.


Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’


*Makes joke on Twitter*


*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*