@mooseandriosmom

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

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@cajones113

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

@skittle624

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@notalogin

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

@TweetsByKaylee

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

@just1fool

There’s nothing more pathetic than asking a random woman if she’ll sleep with you unless it works because then you’re a genius.

@Try2StopME

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

@SteveDutzy

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*