My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

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Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.


2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.


January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday


Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.


[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training


My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history


Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon