@mooseandriosmom

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

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@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

@dshack8

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

@vangobot

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

@greenteam15

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

@kelkulus

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

@Quartzjixler

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon