Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally