My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
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And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.