My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
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Festive toon…
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
When you put it that way… 😂
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.