Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

If I ignore life will it go away?

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point