Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

What flavor cupcake are these

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

LOL

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me