My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew