Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

“Theirye’re” problem solved

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

being a writer on Twitter:

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.