Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!