My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
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I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness