My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
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Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
the three branches of government
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”![]()