My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
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It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”