My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*