My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
You Might Also Like
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
also my go-to takeaway order
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
How much for the goth pool noodles?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.