Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.