Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

SPLOOT

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”