Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This could be us, but you weedin’.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…