My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
👍
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…