Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

per my last wtf