My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
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I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up