My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
lmao
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago