Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

When you’ve simply given up.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.