My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’