@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

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@KentWGraham

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

@LoriLuvsShoes

A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”

@IamJackBoot

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@dreadnaught69

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

@TheMichaelRock

6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*

@rickolantern

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

@ThaJawn

Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’

@Dawn_M_

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.