My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.


A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”


Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe


A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.


I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks


6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*


I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.


Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’


If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.