My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*