Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

We need to put an American base on the sun

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.