Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Why I divorced her.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.