My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap