My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The news
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor