My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I don’t get marriage
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
