Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.