Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.