Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice