My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I hope Alan is OK
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
(by @ZachWeiner )
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
These dogs look like they have good credit.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]