Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.