Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other