Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

#parenting

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Thursday Thought.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

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