My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees