Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.