Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.