My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na