My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
🤣😂🤣
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
respect
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?