My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
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Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Love it! 👍😂
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…