Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

*gets down on one knee*

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.