2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.
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I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they’re working.
I call it “cooking”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage
The key ingredients for a successful diet :
Bag of lime
What?…wait. Wrong list.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Me: That’s from lord of
bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article