@khook32

My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.

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@bartandsoul

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

@HeatherLuvsYou

I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they’re working.

I call it “cooking”

@aveuaskew

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

@venmo4feet

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

@GrantTanaka

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@thepaulahunt

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

@Arr

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

@LazyJ044

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

@atstephenbell

bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article