My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.

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2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies


I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they’re working.

I call it “cooking”


Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.


My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”


*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding


The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rat poison
Bag of lime

What?…wait. Wrong list.


I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”


The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them


Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*


bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article