Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

The happy life.. 😊

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.