My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
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Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”