Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

I put the hot in psychotic.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Bloody internet 😳

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.